A tribute to the ‘Zen of Being’

So …..a little while ago there was a blog appeared …like they do …which resulted in a ‘mutual follow’ I got the impression it was a new blog …..the posts were beautiful, profound and often very funny

I got the impression the blog was that of an older man ….a family man ….who had been married many years and had adult children ….you could tell he ADORED his wife and family but had had a bit of a life in his youth if you know what I mean:D:D:D …..anyway he said he was from the American south ….he was either black or mixed race …. I got the impression he was at the end of life ….maybe terminally ill ….his posts were simply his thoughts and observations about his life past and present …..there really WAS something zen like about them:):):):):):)

Anyway …..this was at a time when I was reading THOUSANDS of blogs:D:D:D …..then one day I thought ….Hmmmm haven’t seen a post from the ‘Zen of Being’ for a while ….and he posted at LEAST once a day :D:D:D…..kind of everything coming tumbling ….no FLOWING out into that ‘thought universe circling the globe’ …..yes that’s it ….his ponderings and observations seemed to be pouring as a flow above all the rest…..REALLY noticeable by their sudden absence….so I clicked on his Gravatar ….and it said something like ….’This site does not exist anymore and has been deleted’ ….I was gutted!!!:(:(:(:(

So WHY was I gutted?

Well ….I think it was because his posts reminded me of the last year my Dad was alive ….He was quite a character my Father …I think I’ve mentioned before how charismatic and popular he was …folk kind of put him on a pedestal ….they would NEVER challenge his thinking ….which wasn’t always easy sometimes to be sure ….never stopped me pushing it tho:D:D ….Anyway …so …I was the only one who would stand up to his stubbornness when he started to become ill

That last year of his life the battles with the rebel girl child were put to one side …..we got to know things about each other that we had NEVER known before ….including that he had been quite a rebel himself in his younger day:D:D:D ….hmmmm maybe karma see:D:D …Anyway we had some lovely discussions …no …more like musings and reminiscences really …as equals …just 2 human beings …it was gentle … quite profound really …something zen like about all that too I guess:):):):):)

And funnily enough I never cried about his death even tho everyone else seemed to fall apart ….I just ‘got on with things’ as I always did back then ….I didn’t cry as felt he had had his time ….and maybe we had both found peace:)

Well …untill last year really when I decided to go for divorce ….well c’mon …we had been seperated 4 years ….ANYWAY I needed to draw an underline …..formalise the boys contact with their Father so we all knew where we stood …..turn the page so to speak:)

So ….there’s a place where I go when I’m feeling ‘stroppy’ ….it’s up on the pennine hills ….hmmmm I think it’s the highest point actually ….its almost always windy …I just drive over there and stomp off  …..WHATEVER the weather:D:D …..there are some old rocks part way up and I play a little game jumping from rock to rock …kind of ‘parkour’ style ……well ish:D:D:D    By the time I get to the top I have got things out of my system and just simply sit and enjoy the view:):):):) …..it’s only about once or twice a year if that ….there have even been periods of YEARS where I never needed to go up there ….

But THIS time ……I was just sat enjoying the view as per when it came from NOWHERE!!! …..up from the boots ….a sobbing that came bursting up ….feeling as tho it was tearing my very soul apart … that kind that empties you out just leaving you needing to sleep ….  I was thinking about my Dad and my marriage really I guess ….it needed to happen:)

So I think I was gutted about the ‘Zen of Being’ just disappearing because there was no process ….no proper goodbye ….and maybe feeling a bit vulnerable still too ….the divorce wasn’t finalised untill the beginning of April …that’s last month….it’s been a looooong haul:)

But ANYWAY …that’s blogging isn’t it? …….I guess it mirrors the human condition really ….Blogs come and go ….there’s various reasons why folk blog but I reckon most ….or maybe all …are introverts really like myself ….yes we can be sociable but maybe needing that deep connection that’s so hard to find beneath the veneer ……maybe it IS the modern day version of sending out a ‘message in a bottle’ as the old ‘police’ song goes:D:D;D

And they’re not ALL personal journal type blogs like my own ….there are some FABULOUS fictional ones out there …..some have many layers with different branches and persona’s …..some are even collaborations and collectives which I haven’t quite got my head around:D:D:D

Oh ….and I’ve checked ….the Zen of Being’s Gravatar is still there on some of my posts ….it’s beautiful ….perfect ….I hope it stays there forever like some kind of tattoo:)

And if you ARE still out there just doing your thing ….that is WONDERFULL …it’s hard sometimes to know what is real and what’s not in the blogosphere isn’t it? ….maybe in ‘life’ sometimes too:D:D:D

Hmmmmm yes ….the ‘Zen of Being’ Gravatar ……….maybe I could Nick it!!!???

No ……no ……only kidding ……yep I have ALWAYS had a slightly naughty side……well c’mon no’ones perfect …….I might SEEM gullible …but if my introvert barrier is up, I’m not as green as I’m cabbage looking in day to day life:D:D:D

Hmmmmm the phases of  ….or should I say waves on this ocean we call ‘life’ … maybe I’ll ‘BE’ like the zen of being one day ….or maybe not ….it’s not MY time yet THATS for sure:D:D:D

ANYWAY …..am supposed to be having a blogfast …reading and trying to ‘find my Mum’:D:D:D ……….and yep that seems to be a particular difficulty….must get around to writing the  ‘my family and other animals’ series at some point maybe 🙂

Whatever kind of blogger you are …enjoy yourselves out there:):):):)

Don’t forget to enjoy the day to day too …..keep your senses open …you might find you don’t always need fiction …even just the simple ones of sight, sound,smell,taste and touch…it doesn’t HAVE to be heavy going  …sometimes when it is you’ve to stay alert tho ….to notice ….but on the whole it’s LOVELY:):):):):)

Electron’s, Muon’s,Tau’s, Neutrino’s

My God!!! ……….have just had one of the best Sunday afternoons EVER!!!:D:D:D ……..the blooming Sculpture Park was packed again tho ( it’s getting tooooooo popular) so the Swan was nowhere to be seen ….on the bridge there was a female duck with her ducklings tho …..hmmmm ……ANYWAY had to walk quite a ways along the river to get away from the hoards and find some peace ….but I did ….then went and found somewhere to sit to read my book!:):):):)

It was recommended to me by blogger ‘Rationalisingtheuniverse.com’ a physicist and a mathematician …and oh dearie me …I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! …..I couldn’t get beyond the first chapter I was laughing so much ….learning AND laughing, sitting outside in the fresh air with nothing but the odd passer by to disturb …….HEAVEN!!!

I think I’m going to give blogging a rest for a little while ….need to ‘find my Mum’ and have got a few books to read in and among ….might come back in a week or two and review them ….in my own words, my own way of course:D:D:D

This is the book I have started reading today ….I guess some of you will have read it already

the other books I need to read are Steven Hawkins ‘A brief history of time’ and ‘Grand Design & Cosmology’ …I’ve already read Richard Dawkins ‘The selfish gene’ …hmmmmm I don’t like that one, think it’s bollocks:D:D:D …..oh calm down ….I’m entitled to an opinion …can’t stand the man …think he’s an arrogant arse but there you go ….he would probably think I was dog muck on his shoe if we ever met so Que Sera:D:D:D

I’d LOVE to meet Steven Hawkins tho ……Hey!!! …maybe that could be my dream job …can’t see me doing the one I’m doing much longer … it’s exhausting ….Hmmmm I could be his aide ….no shenanigans tho like he did with that other one :D:D:D …even android blokes are just blokes afterall it seems:D:D:D ….BUT  if you’re out there Steve and can hear me ……..GIVE US A JOB!!!??? ….we could have a lot of laughs for sure!:D:D:D

THERE ….I’ve put my request out to the Universe …the start of ‘following my dreams’:D:D:D …..Pah!!! ….I’m not THAT daft …. most of it is out of our hands and we just have to go with the flow of whatever  we’re dealt ….nice dream tho:D:D:D

My God even Eric’s at it now ….

I wish folk would stop saying ‘follow your dreams’ etc …….you wouldn’t BELIEVE my dreams …..I want to FLY I tell you!!!:D:D:D

ANYWAY this was the gift from Eric this morning ….I’m getting a bit fed up of him sitting there …ever present in his flamboyant jacket ….giving me his Inspirational quotes announced via tinkling chimes …..Aaaaaaaaaaagh!!!:D:D:D

Actually old Vivekenanda IS one of my favorites ….and I reckon if he were alive today he would FULLY understand where I am coming from …..might blog about him later ….

But FIRST nipping  to see Mohammed then off to see the Swan and feel the vibe …AND it’s actually sunny …HURRAH!!!

The lone wolf ……


I’ve come to the conclusion I AM one:D:D ……nice quote too …..hmmmmm am pescatarian tho ….try to be veggie but struggle to kick the fish habit … hardly wolf like behaviour is it? …but still:D:D

And its been like an autumn day here ….rained ALL day …been soaked TWICE!!! Had planned to attack the garden this weekend but alas….. Hmmmm SO think I’ll pay a call to the elegant mute therapist tomorrow…

GOD …I REALLY need to plan ahead better …I DID have a  kind of  3 year plan last year but it’s all gone pearshaped now thro lack of funds …maybe I need to get back on track regardless ……just expect things to take longer than anticipated ……set some ‘goals’ ………or re’evaluate ALTOGETHER …just be happy with what I have and go with the flow ….it seemed to serve me well for long enough …hmmmm untill my twin brother appeared out of the blue a couple of years ago really …..it completely upset my applecart (in a good way tho …I think:D:D ….Hmmmmmm need to talk things thro….I guess the Swan is as good a listener as any …Oooh BUT my books have arrived …Ha haaa YES ..who needs the sun? …I’ve got a nice way to spend Sunday afternoon AFTERALL..armed with wellies, brolly and book ..absorbing the swan serenity vibe …KERCHING:):):)

…..and so ….

Things start to run into each other when I start blogging …get on a bit of a blogroll so to speak ….So …one of my favorite stories as a little kid was Peter Pan …..yep …..AND it was one of my favorite movies …….just zooming around having lots of fun ….hmmmmm a bit like a House Martin I guess :D:D

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ANYWAY ……the one thing I could never get my head around tho was ….what on EARTH was it about Wendy???….I mean from where I was sitting she just seemed to spoil all the fun ….I reeeeeally understood why Tink got so pissed off:D:D

And maybe that’s my problem ……..Sam said to me recently

‘….the thing is Mum you’re really funny but your not like other folks Mums’

‘What do you mean?’ said I

‘Well we can never find a matching pair of socks and we’re always in a rush …..yep your impressions are GREAT and it’s good when we go out or watch a movie and stuff …..but ……maybe …..you could ….you know ….do with finding your Mum’

…… there was a seconds pause as our eyes met

…… then we both fell about laughing at the idea of ‘finding your Mum’:D:D:D

Me saying ‘Don’t you mean you need to find YOUR Mum

‘I’ve already got a Mum’ said he

‘But you told her she wasn’t like other Mums and to go find one’ said I :D:D

ANYWAY …..he HAD shouted me from the bathroom recently to declare triumphantly he had discovered a hair ……………..
My response was not to ask him where exactly it was ….he ecstatically volunteered that information ANYWAY :D:D….so I just shouted back
‘CONGRATULATIONS …may your obvious happiness continue and multiply’

Is this a NORMAL conversation between Mother and son I wonder:D:D:D

ANYWAY ….so I kind of thought him saying I needed to ‘find my Mum’ might be part of all that ….puberty and the dreaded adolescence starting to kick in …he’s never complained about me before ….we’ve always got on really well …….hmmmm either that or he’ll be talking about me in therapy one day

But he’s RIGHT …..I never fit in with the playground brigade ….and as I said ….I kind of grew with my children …..which is kind of fine untill rules and regs come in …. ie ‘school’ plus they had an uber organised and disciplined Dad around …..but no ….he’s absolutely RIGHT

I HAVE tried …….I DID pop into their primary school every now and again to read stories AND helped out with Christmas parties BUT my little section was always a bit of a riot with the kids and myself seeing who could do the best voices for characters or cheating at the party games to ensure everyone got a prize( I would make a RUBBISH teacher) …..even when Sam and his mate said they wanted to bake a cake for the school cake stall my response was ‘BAKE!!??’ ……..when I finally succumbed to the idea the boys then proclaimed they wanted to make a ‘Minecraft cake’ …..Oh ……not just a normal Victoria sponge then!!!

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So yes ….I AM A TERRIBLE MOTHER!!!

And these days I’m wondering what I AM good at!!!  It seems I can no longer get away with declaring

‘Ooooh look at the sky!!??’ …..and sprinkling a little pixie dust ……they’re growing up …..I’m an embarrassment ……and I’m feeling a bit like THIS….actually a LOT like this

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Which brings me back to Peter …….a typical bloke who likes to shake all the pixie dust out of Tinkerbells bum …….flirts with the mermaids and ……AND …….when push comes to shove ……settle down with a Wendy!!!

Is he INSANE!!??

The only reason he could fly in the first place was because of Tinks pixie dust

Hmmmmmmm …….I’ve been thinking of ‘goal setting’ recently ……you know ….telling myself I CAN achieve my dreams ……..just need to set goals to reach them …thing is I’ve never been good at ‘goal setting’ ……never felt I
needed them …just usually kind of inadvertantly fallen into things:D:D…….well I mean c’mon …look where I am today:D:D

But Ok ……do you know what my dream is right now??? …….hmmmmm do you? ……well the truth is I MISS my boys alternate weekends ……and they’re getting to an age they don’t want to play anymore ANYWAY ………well not with me:D:D:D ……….SO ……….my dream IS ……to fly off to Neverland … have adventures and battle with the Pirates …how the HELL am I going to achieve THAT!!??

Oh and only alternate weekends mind ….the rest of the time it seems I must focus on finding my Mum:D:D:D…….either that or at least ‘play the part’ a little like Sam has taken on Mr O’Connor’s advice of playing the part of ‘perfect pupil’:D:D:D

Hmmmm … maybe there’s another blog series in there when I get around to it …….never mind Peter Pan and the lost boys …this one maybe entitled ‘Fijay and the lost Mums’:D:D

Too many ideas and not enough TIME tho …or maybe it’s just not enough discipline:D:D:D

I’m always a bit like this the first night they’re not here:(

Speaking of magic :D

Now you might not believe this but it is absolutely true …

Last year when pegging out the washing on a lovely sunny day in the ‘wild garden’ out of the corner of my eye I saw a  tiny fluerescent blue thing hovering ….REALLY …it was tiny and just hovering ….or should I say floating veeeeery slowly a couple of feet away at eye level

I shook my head thinking I was seeing things ….thought ….

‘No it CAN’T be!!!’ ……..

so I held my hand out and it landed in the palm of my hand  ……just kind of floated down and settled there looking pure white when it settled … it must have been how the sunlight caught it to make it glow but I STILL couldn’t believe it …….thought ….

‘What the hell IS it!!!?? …I’m a grown woman …they don’t exist do they? ….no’one will believe me’

I thought of popping it in a jar but couldn’t bring myself to …..I mean it would’ve  been cruel wouldn’t  it? …..so after studying it for a while ….completely mesmerised by it ….I just held my hand out  and it hovered slowly up and floated over the honeysuckle hanging over the fence ……I then dashed into the house and googled it ……

download mfrom google images

………as I say to my kids …NEVER stop believing in magic ….it’s ALL there ………..just keep your senses open and a little spirit of 3 :D:D 😉