9th September

The switch on apparantly…. Hoobloodyray!!!!

Crazy isn’t it?

Crazy how dependant we have become in such a relatively short time on our tech and wifi connection

GREAT when its all functioning but when it all goes pearshaped MY GOD!!!:D:D:D …. in todays world it feels akin to being partially blindfolded with a loose sticking plaster across your mouth… frustrating beyond belief…. 

Aaah well…never mind…have been trying out my bushcraft skills today:D:D

Yes indeed…scavenging for food…and making fire with sticks…better not throw the baby out with the bath water… just in case 😉

Disclaimer: The latter point is a slight exaggeration but am sure you get my drift :D:D:D

At the cusp…. 

So… here we are at the cusp of something AMAZING

Scientific and engineering  advancements whooooshing ahead with talk in some quarters that there is availabilty of free sustainable energy for all….the ability to actually CREATE water in such abundance that this too could reach even the most drought stricken areas…plus the developments in crop production anf medicines…. BINGO… utopia on planet earth

BUT….and here lies the rub

WHO exactly is going to benefit from all this…where is the fundamental ideology… the motivation driving it all!?

Are we REALLY going to have a world of equity whereby technological advancements have led us to robotics doing all the work and us humans spending our time just swinging in hammocks…tablets in hand with blue skies above?

Are we on the way to becoming android?… Well YES on this last point I would argue… we are already being microchipped…overtly.. like the lone worker device that increasingly large numbers of public sector workers are having to carry… and covertly… thro our smartphones and tablets being tracked, hacked and memories stored in the various e’ clouds

You see from where Im sitting it depends who you are and where you are 

We have recently had the Olympic games in Brazil….. this is a fine example….much talk of not having to walk too far from the Olympic city or the more affluent streets to be in areas run by gangs and druglords

Is this suprising?

No

Is this peculiar to latin american countries?

No

I can comment on an estate here in the UK where I used to work ….it was a good few years after the Miners strikes of the 1980’s…. I had just moved back from living and working in inner city london.. and was shocked by the rift between the generations at that time in the particular area… those areas had been reduced to nothing… the pits had been closed without any kind of attempt at engagement with the communities or back up plan…. the miners were made out to be backward thugs and out and out villains at the time

What I found was a very warm… (albeit understandably suspicious of outsiders initially).. ..community

My first morning driving onto the estate I was struck by the children being walked to school predominantly by men… that alone blasts a stereotype out of the water doesn’t it?

It also soon became apparant the HUGE drug problem with the younger people on the estate… Heroin was rife yet unheard of prior to the strikes… and I mean RIFE….there was a whole black market set up around it at that time… in areas like this which were pretty much self contained and away from the larger metropolis areas… if your washing machine broke down you didnt need to go to argos….just see the local dealer…. and how did such vast quantities of Heroin find its way to these pretty remote  places ANYWAY?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

In short its about ‘inclusion’…. whether this be on an individual level… communities…. countries…. 

Systems theory

Reciprocality

If you don’t carry ALL with you equatably in ‘development’…. even in this shiney new dawn… you get problems

Too many places… people… cut out… and you get ‘schisms’….. which create ‘chasms’…. and the whole thing riddled with holes falls apart….it is everyones problem…. you can’t pretend difficult issues don’ t exist… have gone away….and its no good blaming the people…. look beneath the veneer to root causes of the difficulties

So…. the CRUCIAL factors .. as we are at this cusp of humanity and the planet at large’s future as I see it … are

What are the motivations?

Where is the accountability and to whom?

Some of us are getting tired of the bullshit and want some honesty and transparancy

I am as excited as the next peron about all these  brilliant minds coming up with all these ideas and solutions

BUT….. here I am in one of the richest countries in the world… which is in fact just a small island.. .I have worked all my life…. yet cannot afford to shop in mainstream supermarkets… live to a very tight budget to ensure bills are paid…..work ALL hours well beyond those contracted…. and am frustrated as hell at the moment that I only have access to this damned phone with intermittent connection..

This is the UK people…. there are similar areas in the US….and lets not even go there with places like Saudi Arabia, Russia and China…wealthy,powerful nations with similar if not worse divisions

It is NOT some kind of utopia… it is that only selected voices are heard within countries and across the world…and that needs to change

I just hope there is enough folk out there wanting to move in a more positive direction…. STOP PATRONISING US… or even WORSE demonising…we are NOT the idiots you think we are….lets talk the real issues not cute cats in hats…how to look like a clone…  and look what a lovely holiday I’m having bungee jumping with the arubi tribe in bongo bongo

Give em all the information ( honestly) then let the arubi tribe speak for themselves they probably have  something worth listening to too….its a 2 way thing

Aaaaaaaagh

Unposted letters 1&2

Still have no wifi so using phone which appears to have intermittent connection at the mo…weirdly…as it should have no relation to my general wifi but there you go 

Apparantly its going to be up to 2 weeks before I’m fully up and running again 

So…. the inspiration for the previous 2 posts came from fellow blogger Dermott Hayes  of Postcardfromapigeon.com….. buying a book in a charity shop which he later found had a collage stuck on the inside sleeve signed by someone called Heather.( see his site for more info)

This intrigued me…. I love browsing vintage shops and flea markets…and always wonder about the old photo’s you often see in tins at these places… wondering who the people are and who would throw such photo’s out 

My most treasured possession is an evening bag belonging to my great aunt containing letters between her and my grandmother when they were  young women during WW2 which I have mentioned before…. and some of my favorite items of clothing are from ‘vintage’ stores…I like to wonder who wore them originally…. weird?…. maybe…but again… there you go

You might also remember that the other weekend I found all kinds of bits and pieces…scribbled notes and old photo’s secreted between the pages of books when I cleared my own bookshelves ( see  post ‘Me’)

So….I love this kind of thing and wonder where we will stick these personal little tokens when we no longer have books?… somehow coming across a tin of memory sticks at a future fleamarket doesn’t really sound as tho it would cut the same mustard… but  I guess you never know:D:D:D

So…Dermott suggested I write about it seen as I am attempting to flex my ‘writing’ muscles 

and my posts  letters 1&2 are the result

Unposted letter 2

Dear Heather

I recognised your handwriting when I took the delivery

I just stuffed the parcel in my workbag so no’one would see

I told you my marriage was over… that I was seperated awaiting divorce…. truth is….yes its a relationship long gone cold…partly my own doing… betraying her trust… 

But we limp on…  keeping up appearances for the sake of the children… I just hang on… wishing for the day  she would smile again ….anything

I am wracked with guilt and shame….it tears me apart inside sometimes

Because dear Heather…. you are just one in a long line…. its what I do…. a kind of twisted self validation

I seduce to satisfy a deep yearning…. for sex?…. partly… but its much deeper than that….its a yearning to fill this empty void I have become….a validation of myself as a man

And it is satisfied………. temporarily

So I’m sorry Heather….. it happens every time…..and every time I end each little game I feel worse….and that dead space….that void… becomes ever deeper

I no longer feel ‘love’…. did I ever?…. have I just forgotton?…. I don’t know….all I know is I search for the opportunity to validate myself this way

If anything the opinion I have of women….. is secondary only to the hate and loathing I have for myself

They are so easy to seduce… its just a little game to me…a little game of seduction where I am in control and always win 

I did open the parcel eventually… a few days after when I knew I was not going to be disturbed…. I unwrapped it slowly like I always enjoy unwrapping parcels

The intrigue….the chase… then the thrill of winning the prize…giftwrapped and ready to undo

And I must admit Heather… you almost had me…. it was fun… and I half believed what I was saying myself…. said in the moment… that moment out of time when we were free…. no rules and responsibilities… free from the mess of life…. for a short while

So as I was opening the parcel my thoughts went back to my last birthday… something I don’t usually celebrate, but you had tried to make special in the safety of our cocoon

But the book?

It took me aback

A chidrens book full of whimsical prose?

Our times spent together had been carefree without doubt.

As I held the book in my hands I felt my eyes sting with tears and my guts wrenching…. I suddenly felt sick… wishing I had never met you…. wishing I could erase you from my mind

I couldn’t open the book…. but I couldn’t bare to part with it either…..so it sat on my bookshelf unopened

…….its 15 years now since you sent it…  time disappeared in a blur of grey…..

The children are now grown and I am 3 years divorced…. I live in a small flat on my own but have a little cubby space that I am clearing out to make a study area 

I was unpacking a box today that I must have shoved in there when I moved in…. as I ripped off the tape, there sitting at the top was the book… 

Still brand new

Still unopened

I cannot bring myself to simply throw it away. So I am taking it to the charity shop with the rest of the clutter I no longer have use for,  but is too good to disgard as rubbish

Its a first edition…. still in pristine condition….maybe someone else will find it….open it….

….and appreciate it more fully

Love

Ethan

( Letter not posted)

Unposted letter 1

Dear Ethan

At the small bistro table by the window I sit, elbows rested, chin cupped in hands.

As I subtley shift position the half drained teacup rattles, belying the solid elegance of the bentwood furniture.

The view is obscured by the raindrops smattering the pane on this grey, blustery late summer afternoon.

I watch a droplet making its stop start vertical journey…. halted in its tracks for a moment by another… then continuing on its way

I’ve sat here a lot the last couple of days… browsing old magazines for images… patterns… snip, snip, snipping…arranging the shapes… …gently sliding them around like jigsaw pieces.

You see I know its your birthday soon and I remember last year…. 

I wanted to create something…. something which will stir your memory …. a reminder of the times we spent together…. when just for a while time seemed to stand still

When we first met I was struck by the smile in your eyes….most people smile yes…. but not many with the eyes.

You were kind of nervous and awkward at the begining… as was I 

But it was there from the start…. it was there… an instant connection… the awkwardness quickly banished in that kiss…. that kiss which led to the sublime spaces we shared amongst the mess of life.

Yes I know you carry a burden… regrets from the past maybe… you have been hurt and done the hurting…. but I cannot forget… 

The passion… electric… 

Long languid hours entwined… making silly plans….

Playfighting with the pillows untill we fell in a tangled heap…. making each other laugh… like two children unbound by rules and responsibilty….. total freedom…. then falling into cosy slumber in our own little den

THEN

The shutters came down…..   out of the blue and without warning…..no explanation but a mighty steel door slammed shut!

You said you loved me

You said we needed to free ourselves from our real world entanglements so we could be together

You said…. 

You said….

So I am sending you this gift as a reminder….   a gift for your birthday

A simple gift of childrens prose…whimsical and lighthearted…. and I have stuck my cuttings inside the sleeve as a collage… shapes and images

Things don’t have to be black or white…. all or nothing…. it can be colourful… beautiful

Your birthsign is libra…. the sign of balance

I don’t care what you’ve done in the past… but we had something good… something that could’ve balanced out the karma

I loved to see the smile in your eyes… I wanted/want to see them smile…. 

Always

I sit here chin cupped in hands… watching the  raindrops smatter  the pane 

Its a grey and blustery late summer afternoon….through the obscured glass I  can just make out a slight break in the cloud on the horizon

Love Heather

( Letter not posted)

Offline 2…… 

Yep

Following the recent sticking and blocking EVERYTHING has gone down…. I suspect its my internet provider.

Thing is…..where I live there are 2 choices if wanting a comprehensive package… TalkTalk or Sky…. 

And in my usual ‘principled’ even if that means ‘shooting yourself in the foot’ way…. I do not like to willingly put my money in Murdochs pocket…. and yeah… yeah I know I’m sure he’s bothered on that one…. BUT it looks like I may have to admit defeat 😦

Thing is there was a major hacking of TalkTalk back in October…. RIGHT when I first started blogging ( See ‘ Hiccup and back on ‘ post) At this time I was assured I had not been affected…. 

However…. in April of this year EVERYTHING crashed…. like now… the hackers even got access to my bank account….YEP… within a 24 hr period THOUSANDS of pounds had gone in and out of my bank account at rapid speed

Apparantly the hackers were using my name to secure MASSIVE loans from various banks etc

Bloody hell!!!!   thought I 

How’d you manage to do THAT!!!????

I would probably struggle to get ANY kind of loan from those institutions…. but somehow they did so there you go

And if you’re out there hackers…. C’mon share the wealth….seen as you used my identity to get it and I struggle to pay the bills

No…No… just joking… all the best to you…. use it wisely… but you HAVE fucked me off and left me feeling used and insecure

SO….as you know… have been blathering on about this ere sticking and blocking…. clogged inbox and the like recently and then….. Monday CRAAAASH!!!!!

Well….. I HAD said I was taking a break from blogging…. feeling knackered with stuff at work etc too…. SO it seems I now have enforced shutdown

And how am I writing this?

On the good old mobile phone… which I dont really like to use as I work to a budget and if I go over the usage on my cheap as chips £10 a month contract…… Whoa… the bill ROCKETS

ANYWAY…. so I’ve been allover the place getting everything sorted….from my local library ( yes we managed to save ours… and had a nice chat with an ex colleague currently working there) to the temple apple to try and wash away Erics sins:D:D:D

Hmmmm…. and it seems its going to take a little while to get things up and running again… up to 2 weeks apparantly

And I’m on bloody leave and the boys are back from France…. the weathers too good for bored games tho ( see post ‘board games’ re the crash at easter)

SO we are heading out and about…. maybe a bit of doodling…seeing what we’ve got still left on the bookshelves and will drag out the old monopoly again

Yep the game of ‘Monopoly’

Pretty apt under the circumstances… I think we’ll invent a new element to the game… the hackers…. pick up a card that says

‘You have been hacked…. give up all your cash and property… go back to the start… and miss a few goes whilst you get your tech sorted and energy rebooted:D:D:D

Blog On!!!!!