Me

So after yesterday’s comment from arv on my ‘Deliverance’ post ….I’ve spent most of the last couple of days scrabbling about trying to find old photo’s …journals …bits of artwork ….ANYTHING:D:D:D

There isn’t much …..fortunately I made a couple of albums of the boys early years …you know the old fashioned black leafed kind with the tissue page dividers …beautiful in themselves….and they’re still there fortunately:):):):)

No artwork tho ……and as my ‘India’ pics had accidently been descovered secreted in the back of a book I began going through those too …..clearing the bookshelves ….pulling out the books …..giving them a good shake ..and ….YES!!! …there were bits of photo’s and jottings secreted ALLOVER the place …falling out like the debris of confetti after a wedding …..didn’t find my old address book tho:(  …..and made a RIGHT old mess:D:D:D

Matt came in ….

‘Oh hi Mum ……er ……..what are you DOING!!!?

‘Oh just having a clear out’

I had the ‘India’ pics in a pile ….’THE’ photo was on the top

‘Hey Mum …..what was going on here?’         so I told him:):):):):):):)

‘Cool’

ANYWAY I’ve found a little mish mash of stuff …..there’s the girls I used to be at Uni with ….some of myself and ex in better days ……oooh and there’s the Dolphins too but no whales……….there’s even a couple clearly in a work environment ….I haven’t a CLUE what I’m doing or WHY they were taken:D:D:D …..they’re MOST bizarre ….I look to be reading a card and opening a HUGE parcel …no doubt it will come to me at some point …….Oooops …YES it just has:D:D:D

It’s interesting looking back at these ….I think you can see just from these that I get on with folk …..social …..but not a party animal by ANY stretch of the imagination :D:D:D….DEFINATELY no ‘babe’:D:D:D……and there’s one or two of me in the distance on desolate beaches …….it has always puzzled my partners that one …..I guess thinking about it now it must be a bit odd when you have gone for a nice weekend away ….you wake up expecting to find your partner snuggled up beside you …….and ……!!!? ….:D:D:D

It’s something I’ve ALWAYS done tho ….I go wandering off from time to time …..it’s nothing personal …..’it’s not about you it’s me’ as they say …..in a good way tho …and I have a THING about desolate beaches:D:D:D

ANYWAY ….we’re talking here of the shorn haired army bush hat wearing kid ….who used to hang out with the girls for a while then get bored and drift off to hang out with the boys  ….getting on with  both equally  …bemused why they couldn’t just hang out together …. PLUS also spending long happy hours alone ……Hmmmm untill ‘blossoming’ ….when the boys started viewing things VERY differently and it wasn’t as easy to just join in the game of soccer anymore:D:D:D ….even tho I was always just stuck in goal:(

And even now the ‘Babe’ thing  …..it’s funny ….I work with a LOT of young women and there’s DEFINATELY a ‘Babe’ kind of culture …..the CASH folk spend on products, fashions etc ….and WHERE do they find the time to FIT IT ALL IN!!!? …the pedicures, manicures, hair extensions, waxings,  threadings, eye lashes MY GOD!!! …….I’ve never visited a beauty parlour in my LIFE!!! ……..and ok …you might say …..’Hmmmmmm …well …..QUITE!!!’:D:D:D

Where am I going with this? ………I have no idea but am on a roll:D:D:D

ANYWAY yes ….the very thought of being pinned to a chair whilst  some pretty young woman fusses about …..messing with my nails feet or hair …..idly chatting about holidays or the weekend they’ve just had does NOT sound like a good use of my time OR ….if I had any……CASH!!!

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the girls I work with ….they try to drag me out every now and again and a few months ago one of them had a ‘Pamper Party’ ……..Yep ……that’s what I said a ‘PAMPER PARTY’ …….I hadn’t a CLUE what this was:D:D:D ……for those unenlightened it’s like a big girls sleepover ….where they eat, drink and muck about with various lotions and potions ( it’s quite a laugh actually) the thing is the various lotions and potions are UNBELIVABLE!!!!

One particular tub of face cream that they all swore by cost £86 per tub …..yes that’s right EIGHTY SIX POUNDS FOR A TUB OF FACE CREAM!!!    Apparantly it’s worth it because WE’RE worth it and it’s so good you only need a very small amount so it lasts FOREVER!!!:D:D:D

‘That may be so’ said I ‘but pass us a spoon and let’s eat it and see if it works from within’:D:D:D

You see these girls don’t NEED this stuff ….they’re gorgeous ANYWAY and are just being ripped off!!!

‘Oh but it’s the INGREDIENTS ….this cream has VERY special ingredients’

‘Really? …..like WHAT!!!??’

‘It contains a special blend of Aruba …Babuba… Blahdy …Blahdy …Blah …. and Crushed diamonds’

‘CRUSHED DIAMONDS!!!??? …..ARE YOU KIDDING!!?? ……either you or the company who makes this stuff are taking the piss …you CAN’T crush a diamond that’s part of its appeal and it’s worth!!!:D:D:D

Hmmmmmm ……….unless they’re taking  them to the Hydronic Collider in Switzerland and crushing em there …….Hmmmmm that would explain the price too wouldn’t it? ……oh bloody hell NO ….all this is RIDICULOUS:D:D:D

And it’s not just the girls that are into this ‘Babe’ thing …….Sam keeps trying to persuade me to dip dye my hair …..he wants to do it FOR me ….for god sake ….WHY!!!?? :D:D:D

I asked him if he wanted to be a hairstylist one day or something and he said  ‘No’

And last Christmas I had a nice little parcel from Matt which when I opened was a clear plastic box full of FALSE NAILS!!! ……..thing is …..as they were the French manicured variety for a fraction of a second I thought they were REAL!!!:D:D:D

On opening a present from ones son one would usually smile say …’Aww Thankyou darling’ and give them a hug ……but I’m afraid on this occaision I SCREAMED chucked the box across the room where it hit the wall with a THWACK  leaving both Matt and Sam open mouthed …….untill they realised:D:D:D

On going to bed later that evening I said to Matt  ‘I’m not going to wake up with a horses head on my pillow am I?’ ………..but he didn’t ‘get’ the joke:D:D:D

When I told the girls at work they fell about laughing saying they thought it was ACTUALLY a really thoughtful present as at least Matt had gone for the natural looking ones, knowing what I’m like with this sort of thing and will need introducing gently …..but that’s just it ….I don’t know if I WANT introducing to this stuff …don’t get me wrong I DO have showers, brush my hair and wear a bit of makeup ….usually:D:D:D ….and it’s all very facinating but I am …..I am …..erm ….am ….just me really I guess:D:D:D:D

Anyway ….another week:)

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27 thoughts on “Me

        1. I guess it’s about taking a good hard look at yourself …what has made you …you …any crap …acknowledge it …look at it and ditch it …the parts that you like …keep those …and those are the parts to build on …it’s about self love and acceptance …and we’ve ALL got to be able to do that …it’s a nice feeling too:):):):):):)

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            1. Try writing it in a notebook Simon …EVERYTHING …then leave it for a day or two …go back to it …then whizz through ..can I change that …no …that …no …that …yes ….do I like this ….yes …..do I like that no …ditch the no’s ….physically …scribble or rip them out and throw them away …you are then left with your yes’s ….they are what to keep and build on …if any of that makes sense:D:D:D

              Anyway …journal writing is a good way to deal with stuff ….I’m not sure blogging is the right place to do it ….not the deeply personal and raw emotional stuff anyway ….but maybe that’s just me ….I guess I’ve been over the raw emotion stuff for a while tho …I’ve then spent the last 18 months or so ‘deck clearing’ ….going for divorce …getting my independence and my house in order so to speak …I now feel I’m at ‘ground zero’ ……connecting with my ‘yes’s …and learning to love who I am:)

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                    1. You’ve got to get out as well Simon …and just exchange pleasantries with someone …ANYONE …the old lady in the corner shop who you know lives on their own …even the hoodie at the bus stop …they’re just kids …and it’s amazing how folk open up if you just start with a few pleasantries …and if they don’t …or look at you gone out because they’re not used to it …it’s no sweat …just do it again next time:D:D:D

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                    2. Yes Simon …the meditation on the breath clears the mind ….the most fundamental life giving and affirming energy if you like …but free from ‘self’ and ‘thought’ …..thoughts will flash in ..but just go beneath and focus on the breath …it takes practice …or maybe see if you can find a ‘mindfulness’ teacher …..at the same time it’s important you don’t lock yourself away …it’s about those little connections with folk …it doesn’t take much.
                      These things help you to ride the storms Simon ….and eventually become part of your daily life ….don’t TRY too hard tho …it’s important to not beat yourself up for ANYTHING ….it’s about ‘letting go’ rather than ‘trying’ too hard without wanting to sounds too cliche’d.

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                    3. So if I was hanging onto events of my past that we’re bad, where individuals badly effected me, I need to let that go. How can I do that? How might you do that? I still have events and people that play in my mind and turn me into a seething hate ball. I don’t know how to lose that.

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    1. YES ….indeed :D:D:D ……these are my old pics and stuff …..I guess am getting back in touch with who I was before I became a wife and mother ….although those are important too …it kind of gets lost along the way …..now at ground zero ….I can release the crap from the past but keep the good parts ….working out what to keep and to leave behind ……it’s a good feeling …quite cathartic and strengthening ……I guess for a more recent pic you could check out my ‘Detox evaluation’ post if you like 🙂

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