Unposted letter 2

Dear Heather

I recognised your handwriting when I took the delivery

I just stuffed the parcel in my workbag so no’one would see

I told you my marriage was over… that I was seperated awaiting divorce…. truth is….yes its a relationship long gone cold…partly my own doing… betraying her trust… 

But we limp on…  keeping up appearances for the sake of the children… I just hang on… wishing for the day  she would smile again ….anything

I am wracked with guilt and shame….it tears me apart inside sometimes

Because dear Heather…. you are just one in a long line…. its what I do…. a kind of twisted self validation

I seduce to satisfy a deep yearning…. for sex?…. partly… but its much deeper than that….its a yearning to fill this empty void I have become….a validation of myself as a man

And it is satisfied………. temporarily

So I’m sorry Heather….. it happens every time…..and every time I end each little game I feel worse….and that dead space….that void… becomes ever deeper

I no longer feel ‘love’…. did I ever?…. have I just forgotton?…. I don’t know….all I know is I search for the opportunity to validate myself this way

If anything the opinion I have of women….. is secondary only to the hate and loathing I have for myself

They are so easy to seduce… its just a little game to me…a little game of seduction where I am in control and always win 

I did open the parcel eventually… a few days after when I knew I was not going to be disturbed…. I unwrapped it slowly like I always enjoy unwrapping parcels

The intrigue….the chase… then the thrill of winning the prize…giftwrapped and ready to undo

And I must admit Heather… you almost had me…. it was fun… and I half believed what I was saying myself…. said in the moment… that moment out of time when we were free…. no rules and responsibilities… free from the mess of life…. for a short while

So as I was opening the parcel my thoughts went back to my last birthday… something I don’t usually celebrate, but you had tried to make special in the safety of our cocoon

But the book?

It took me aback

A chidrens book full of whimsical prose?

Our times spent together had been carefree without doubt.

As I held the book in my hands I felt my eyes sting with tears and my guts wrenching…. I suddenly felt sick… wishing I had never met you…. wishing I could erase you from my mind

I couldn’t open the book…. but I couldn’t bare to part with it either…..so it sat on my bookshelf unopened

…….its 15 years now since you sent it…  time disappeared in a blur of grey…..

The children are now grown and I am 3 years divorced…. I live in a small flat on my own but have a little cubby space that I am clearing out to make a study area 

I was unpacking a box today that I must have shoved in there when I moved in…. as I ripped off the tape, there sitting at the top was the book… 

Still brand new

Still unopened

I cannot bring myself to simply throw it away. So I am taking it to the charity shop with the rest of the clutter I no longer have use for,  but is too good to disgard as rubbish

Its a first edition…. still in pristine condition….maybe someone else will find it….open it….

….and appreciate it more fully

Love

Ethan

( Letter not posted)

3 thoughts on “Unposted letter 2

  1. Now this is good. Ok, it’s packed with all the self deluding tricks of the serial philanderer but she’s seen through him. The book caught him in his tracks, eyes wide, express train arriving, whack, squish, that’s karma, man

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow …have just seen this and the others on Dermotts site as my tech has not been working properly …it’s good to know Heathers handy work didn’t go unnoticed …imagine if she knew about this ?:D:D:D
      Thanks for your comment ..LOVED your take on it too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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