‘Collateral Beauty’

SO….it’s been difficult as the year has turned from 2016/17 on a number of levels….

On a personal level….last week…the first week of the year…..  experienced the double whammy of moving my Mum to a care home ( she has vascular dementia and had a further stroke just before Christmas resulting in a hip fracture)…AND Matt moving out, which had already been on the cards….both situations emotional to say the least

Blog On!!! is an outlet really…anyone who might have followed it will know that I went thro divorce early last year after a long seperation also 

I was talking to my next door neighbours earlier today.. ..now their girls have grown they are moving….sold the house to a young couple who are ‘first time buyers’ as they had been when they first moved in

So we reminisced for a while…talked about the ups and downs of life..  transitions etc…and how they are now attempting to clear 25 years of clutter..the problem being P just wants to throw out EVERYTHING whereas J keeps saying ‘Nooooooo not THAT’ and ‘What about THIS?…..

I left them to it:D:D:D

….and just like this time last year am feeling like a wrung out rag….I realise that for the past 5 years have been running on auto pilot mostly…not ‘living’….more ‘getting thro’…squashing my emotions down… racing around doing this that and the other with periods of exhaustion…. and now its all come to a head on many levels.

And I’ve realised that ‘Blog On!!!’ has been/is a kind of rambling, roundabout way of working thro it all….a kind of spontaneous thing…its here,there and allover the place:D:D:D

I don’t DO emotions usually…well…not the painful ones….I stomp off up hills instead…and maybe thats part of my problem….I seem to have stomped off up the hill on a fairly frequent basis of late:D:D:D

ANYWAY….last night Sam suggested we go to the cinema again….we usually go at some point during the bigger school holidays and as you can imagine the Christmas period was FULL of upheaval and we didnt do anything much apart from spend the essential days as a family

Again I hadn’t a clue what the film he suggested was about but thought ‘Yes…ok…the kid deserves a treat’…so off we popped

WELL….I wept all through the film and most of the way home….again…I don’t want to give the story away…but the feelings of ‘bereavement’ were intense

The film was called ‘Collateral Beauty’….. a superb title thought I

Yes…’Collateral Beauty’…we could ALL do with some of that right now

But where from?

I couldn’t stop saying it to myself

‘Collateral Beauty’

‘Collateral Beauty’

But where from?

Then I realised….I’m actually lucky…and I have some…and its right here, upstairs asleep in the form of a slightly quirky kid who is growing into a young man and IS a very wise head on young shoulders:):):):)

Now….I’m not a ‘goal setter’ OR a ‘resolution maker’…and maybe thats part of my problem also…WELL they often go out of the window don’t they?

BUT my ‘aims’ for 2017 are to say to myself… its ok to feel sad….its ok ‘allowing’ the more painful emotions….its ok to feel frustration and anger too…and actually…stomping off up hills is as good a method as any for letting it out:D:D:D

Sadly I DON’T live near a desolate beach where I can wander…. those moments of peace and connection have to come from turning inward… 

Yes….’ let go’ of anything you cannot change and regularly and routinely turn inward… but we are living THIS life right here… right now…its important to be aware what is going on around you…the bigger picture…sometimes you just CAN’T ignore it…..and so…maybe I do have a ‘resolve’ for this year afterall….. 

To notice the ‘Collateral Beauty’….it IS there despite the current destruction and chaos…and probably found when we are least expecting as is often the case….

….and ANYWAY it sounds far more mature than noticing the dandilions in the cracks in the pavement don’t you think?

Hmmmm actually might use it as the title for my new blog once I get time to get the tech sorted and set it up…..PLEASE let it be a new start this year…..clear running tech at least….I mean for God’s sake I had to fork out top dollar to the media mogul murdoch and the only functioning tech I have is my mobile phone!!!!????

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