The new favorite jumper 

SO…..yesterday another ‘family meeting’…. this time with ‘the celebrant’  at Mums house…gosh we DO seem to have had a few ‘ family meetings’ of late… 

Almost missed it as had a nap after a walk in the fresh air and forgetting to put my clock foreward to British summertime on….whenever it was….think it was Sunday

Anyway…I DID make it…and it was lovely getting together with my sisters and brother to chat with ‘the celebrant’ about Mum

ANYWAY….I don’t know why but I was freezing yesterday…just couldn’t get warm despite it being a sunny day

As the eve drew in and I was sat there shivering..my sister said…’Just go and put a jumper on’…..I kind of thought 

‘Hmmmm….should I?…..then thought…. ‘Oh buggar it…of COURSE I should…its what Mum would’ve said ANYWAY

So I went into the bedroom…opened Mums wardrobe…past all the blues, purples and beiges…one or 2 reds too but no yellows …. then THIS!!!

My camera hasn’t picked up the colour properly…its a very soft dusty pink
PINK????….thought I

I wouldn’t have said Mum was a pink sort of person….I cannot remember EVER having seen her in it  although it IS worn evidenced by the bobbling here and there….and as for me…dont think have ever worn pink in my LIFE 

ANYWAY…for some reason this was the jumper I pulled out…popped on…and back out to join the family chatter

And it has to be said it is SO soft….I couldnt stop stroking the arms

So lovely and soft is it…and so freezing was I last night that I kept it on… 

And get THIS

Last night I had a REALLY vivid dream…I was sat on the sofa with Mum watching the telly and she was laughing….it must have been a while back as we were watching the ‘Generation Game’ and it was Bruce Forsythe….( how weird is this?)……

ANYWAY…. my brother was sprawled on the floor in his usual fashion back then….AND my Dad was sat in HIS usual chair…I don’t know where my sisters were…they may have left home around that time I can’t remember

Then Dad says….’Do you want one of these?’… and he starts faffing about with a biscuit tin but can’t open it…he cusses it a bit….then the next minute he’s calling Mum from the kitchen…She gets up and as she’s doing so…looking at me… but speaking to Dad….I think….says…’Hang on’

And then I woke up….with that warm fuzzy Christmassy feeling that I haven’t felt in a LONG time

Anyway….have taken the jumper off now..but think I will wear it again tonight:):):):):)

Have been looking at the label to see what its made of….see if its got magical powers or anything…..no…no…not really…I  always like to look what things are made of tho… .couldn’t give a damn about designer labels and such…but like natural fibres and this jumper is SO soft…hmmm maybe thats why Mum bought it….maybe SHE slept in it too

Oh…and its a cotton,cashmere and angora mix…and its made by good ole M&S….must be a while back tho as the label says ‘Marks & Spencer’

Is this another dandilion?

Yep…I reckon it is

‘Depression’ …. what is it?

Contrary to popular belief….its not about feeling ‘sad’…or maybe it is

A kind of repressed ‘sadness’ and deep rooted feeling of not being ‘good enough’

It stands to reason then…that if you’re feeling under stress …you end up not managing ANYTHING to your impossible inbuilt ‘standard’ … it kind of feeds on itself…like juggling…or plate spinning…you race around trying to keep everything moving….it might take 1 2 or 3 curveballs….maybe more….depending on your own personal threshold…. but you start dropping the balls…and believe me…there is no’one worse than someone prone to depression for critising themselves….the depressive tends to be self critical as opposed to criticising others….a ball is dropped and they blame themselves…another and another and they start becoming a kind of self fullfilling prophecy …none the less…they kind of keep going and keep going untill….CRASH

It feels like being hit over the head with a sledgehammer..you cant concentrate..unable to do even the most basic of tasks…and you SLEEEEEP ( or for some folk it is also accompanied with anxiety and then you CAN’T sleep)

In my case its the former ..the SLEEEEP lasts between 1 and 2 weeks and then its a process of slowly picking up again

My first ‘episode ‘ was following the birth of my eldest and the simultaneous loss of my Father to cancer almost 18 years ago

I was off work 6 months but recovered following counselling ( including coming to terms with my Mums battle with the condition)  and some lifestyle adjustments…one being getting into ‘Yoga’

Thought I’d cracked it…but had another episode in 2011 following the fallout of my marriage breakup….this time I was off work 3 months

Then there was another the winter of 2014….off work 6 weeks 

And now…off again…so thats 3 episodes ( 5 months) in 6 years…which is a bit worrying…I knew after my last episode a couple of years ago that it would be unlikely I would get to retirement age of 65 in my current line of work and had been considering moves and lifestyle changes…

I feel frustrated that have crashed again before fully making them…but RIGHT at this moment in time I can’t even think beyond tomorrow

It remains to be seen how long this particular episode lasts….the key is to be easy on yourself…just ‘be’ and gradually build it up…I was kind of getting there the end of last week….am feeling whacked again just now tho…

Thought I’d be ok about my Mum passing given we’ve been loosing her slowly over the past few years…..

Our lifestyles don’t allow us the time and space to heal sometimes do they?…..

Oh I dont know

Will NOT go down the ‘negative’ route tho

One thing I know from experience is if you find you’re surrounded by concrete….look for the cracks and any dandylions popping through

There WILL be a little yellow flower popping through at some point…..it might not be a rose or an orchid….but lovely none the less

John Lydon was an example of such yesterday…. 

Well they DO say laughter is the best medicine

Its down to the ‘energy’

Hmmmm……and what kind of energy are Trump and Putin giving off?

Funnily enough heard John Lydon speaking on the radio today….what I like about John Lydon is that he mostly speaks utter bollocks with the odd pearl of wisdom here and there…he acknowledges this tho…there IS a kind of humbleness…well no ‘thoughtfulness’ …..well no….oh I don’t know….he’s just John Lydon

But anyway…..he said that although there is a LOT he disagrees with….to quote

‘Donald Trumps presidency is The Sex Pistols of politics’

I couldn’t stop laughing and CANNOT get this out of my head…. because in some ways he’s ABSOLUTELY right…. 

It gives Donald Trump FAR too much kudos though if you ask me

Hmmmm…..and am thinking if thats the case….you know….if the Trump is the ‘Punk’ of politics…..does that make ‘JC’ here in the UK the ‘Hippy’?

Thing is ‘JC’ is not in power so the battle of the Punks and Hippy’s won’t be quite the same

Hmmmm is Theresa a Punk do you think?…..No No….she’s far too polite….although a Tory I believe she’s trying her best to appease the right wingers and brexiteers whilst at the same time neither selling out or falling out with either Trump or the EU AND maintaining peace within our communities…

Its no easy task is it?

Hmmmmmm…… ‘Anger is an energy’….. not sure its ‘Anger’ the ole Don has got though….more an unhealthily hefty dose of the ‘Big I am’….buddying up with his likeminded pal to play with in the schoolyard of the worlds playground like a couple of bullies

As for me….my energy is depleted at the moment…..no Om….no Anger….no nothing….. its still good to be able to laugh at the absurdity of it all though

Irony Pt 2…. 

Mapping the Universe…. 

Yes….thats what I said…’MAPPING THE UNIVERSE’

We’re doing it!!!!…..well I’m not personally but the theoretical physicists are…..I’d LOVE to be one but am rubbish at Maths and can’t spell….what I COULD do is work as a ‘tea lady’ though….yes….yes I can picture it now…crashing in with a trolly of tea and biscuits listening to what they’re saying and asking a few questions…maybe dropping in my twopenneth just for fun

I’ve already sent my wish out to the Universe to work with Steven Hawkins….but I blew it by trying to push him up a hill in a dream and accidentally tipping him up….he wasn’t best pleased…and I can’t blame him really

BUT am trying again here and now….screwing my eyes up and wishing REALLY hard….ANY theoretical physicists of the cosmology persuasion….WHEREVER you are in the world….if you need a tea lady I’m your woman….I KNOW that geeky types get carried away and forget to take breaks….I would ENSURE you are provided with a copious supply of ‘Yorkshire Tea’ and ‘Chocolate Hob Nobs’ … and who knows…might also be able to throw in the odd sandwich … 

THERE!!!….I have sent my wish to the Universe…..lets see what happens

So where was I?

Ah yes….’Irony pt 2′

SO…..on one hand we seem to be going backwards in terms of nations across the world pulling up the metaphorical drawbridge

‘ Ahhhhhh NOOOOOO….rewind….rewind….my way’s the best’

Versus

‘There ARE no barriers….planet earth is just the minutest speck in the visible universe…which in turn is just a speck in the wider cosmos…so HUGE we may NEVER comprehend it…and we’re not even going there with ‘dark energy’….which we believe is FULL of invisible stuff….. all part of the overall soup 

This IS what they are saying…kind of…I SWEAR

I recently watched a programme on it….along with another one which looked at things the other way….taking things down to the minutae…. viruses and atoms….this second programme looked at how these things have been used in warfare….most recently Ciran in  the Syriam conflict….a lot of studies are going into understanding ‘Biological Warefare’ apparantly

Hmmmm….what I would like to know is…who used it in Syria?…where did they get it from?…and does this ‘Understanding’ of biological warfare include….methods to ‘Neutralise’…. you know….’Antidotes’

Like ALL science, technology and ‘development’…..depends how its used…

Hmmmm…. ‘energy’….its ALL down to ‘energy’isn’t it?

Hmmmm….I seriously think the scientists working on this stuff should learn to meditate….ask Steve….he ‘gets’ it I believe

C’mon….thats how he’s still going despite the odds AND he manages to maintain a sense of humour

Hmmmm….check motivations… keep things simple and maintain perspective

Irony….

The irony of narrow minded ‘nationalism’….whether ‘the nation of islam’ or the groups and factions ( not to mention those getting into positions of power…ie Trump/ Putin to name a couple ….is that it doesn’t really exist.

If the British and Europeans actually meant it…they would never have gone off ‘discovering’ and ‘colonising’ other countries in the first place 

If you think about it….if Mr Trump actually believed in America for the Americans he for one would buggar off back to Germany….shake hands with the Native American leaders and return the keys before he left.

Same with Mexico,Latin America and the Caribean…..maybe….actually….it should be the Mexicans building a border after all…. to keep the buggars north of the border out….Maybe if the ‘native  peoples’ across the world hadn’t been so welcoming in the first place there wouldn’t be the problems we have today.

And as for the ‘Islamists’ … again….there are many MANY ideologies/ways of living….as long as peaceful and causing no deliberate harm to others ..live and let live.

Hmmmm….and maybe there lies the rub

But no….we can’t change history…BUT what we CAN do is acknowledge it… .look at the ‘why’s and wherefore’s’ from different perspectives….OPENLY….and I don’t know about you…but I like clean water…. modern sanitation…a nutritious and varied diet ( including cake and chocolate of course)..clean air…freedom to ‘play’….information technology….creativity….and these things should be available to all….. there IS a lot of positives about the advancements of science/technology art/creativity… theres a lot to learn from the past too….depends how its all used tho 

The 21st century SHOULD be the best period in history there has EVER been….

Hmmmm….. we’ll see….the first quarter is looking a bit iffy at the moment isn’t it?

Its happened…..

Since the 7/7 bombings in London the authorities have said….’Its not a matter of if but when’….in relation to the possibility of a further attack

Much work has/is being done behind the scenes by the authorities…not only in its preparedness but also in keeping abreast of the shifting goalposts/methods of attackers in addition to implementing the ‘Prevent strategy’ in communities across the country.

The most recent attacks in Europe…and here in London today…do not appear to have involved specific ‘training’ and ‘group strategy’ but the use of ordinary motor vehicles as weapons to kill and injure….

Sadly….yet again…we see an unarmed public servant ( this time a police officer) loosing their life whilst going about their normal working day…along with a number of ordinary members of the public….this time in Westminster…the heart of British democracy

It seems democracy IS under threat by those having extremist views of ‘hate’…both Islamist (today) AND white supremacist ( Jo Cox murder last year)

BUT….if there is ONE positive that comes from these terrible and tragic incidents it is…yet again…how amazing the emergency ( and specialist) services are in responding to crisis ….plus how the public and politicians across the spectrum pull together

And yet again…one thing I love about the UK is that the vast majority of folk see these incidents for what they are….acts of terror with the aim being to cause chaos,  division and fear…Islam does NOT cause violence just as not ALL white folk are white supremacists.

This country is a mish mash of peoples and that is a STRENGTH…I love that this country…whilst acknowledging the risks and challenges in the world today…  by and large continues to keep things in perspective

….and I love that despite todays events… tomorrow London will just carry on as normal

Mum….. 

So….my Mum passed away in the early hours of yesterday morning peacefully in her sleep….. Had visited the day before and she had been in good spirits ironically.

Feel ok….she  had not been well for years…a series of mini strokes leading to dementia…the last one resulting in a fall and fractured hip just before Christmas.

So….my Mum

Who was she?

Well….up to a few years ago she was fiercly independent…got out and about allover the place…had a HUGE garden ( created by Dad but which she cared for herself) ….not the sort to babysit the grandchildren or anything like that but ‘cared’  in her own way…. she had been a ‘scholarship girl’ and had been to art college before marriage and children and was no bad painter it has to be said….my Dad ADORED her….it was not always a ‘happy’ marriage BUT they seemed to ride the ups and downs

Memories as a young child are of her being absent for periods…during those times I remember an elderly lady called Mrs Tranter coming to make us kids breakfast and get us off to school….I am one of 4….my older sisters were polite and obedient…I’m afraid I wasn’t…HATED Mrs Tranters runny scrambled eggs prefering getting up to the radio on and the mess of boxed cereal on the breakfast table 

I would sometimes run off to a neighbours across the road and have breafast with ‘Auntie Jean and Uncle Colin’ before I was returned home and they went off to work….they were young and ‘cool’ ate boxed cereal and unlike some other neighbours were always nice to my Mum

Actually Mrs Tranter was nice….I was just a pretty sullen and difficult 4/5 year old… .later Dad just took over when needed… then we had breakfasts of burned bacon and he once accidently blew up the cooker …. ‘traditional man’ tho he was….  I LOVED Dads cooking!

So Mum….as a kid at times it felt like treading on eggshells ( probably left behind by Mrs Tranter)….at others she was the most charismatic vivacious woman you could ever meet….I remember watching her put on her lipstick as she sat at the dressing table…a tidy array of lotions, potions and sparkly treasure…I watched transfixed….then she would catch me in the mirror behind her looking…..she would then do that popping thing as she pressed her lips together to set the makeup… smile that perfect smile of white even teeth… and say

‘C’mon then…we’re off to the shops’…pick up her bag, slip on her clicky shoes and out the door 

For YEARS I thought lipstick was actually called ‘shops’ and had miraculous powers to transform….hmmmm maybe it DOES ….

So yes…with a flourish she would be out of the door…with me trotting behind her past gossipy neighbours…..I would GLARE at them…proud as punch that my Mum was the most beautiful woman in the whole world

And THATS the early memory I have of my Mum

Vivacious, Beautiful….marching past gossipy women in her clicky heels wearing bright red lipstick…..

RIP Mum…..I know you werent always happy….but one thing you always taught me was.not to waste time with gossipy folk…your motto being ‘Don’t pass judgement till you’re perfect yourself’….and in actual fact Mum…at THOSE times you  WERE … 

Perfect!