Contrary to popular belief….its not about feeling ‘sad’…or maybe it is
A kind of repressed ‘sadness’ and deep rooted feeling of not being ‘good enough’
It stands to reason then…that if you’re feeling under stress …you end up not managing ANYTHING to your impossible inbuilt ‘standard’ … it kind of feeds on itself…like juggling…or plate spinning…you race around trying to keep everything moving….it might take 1 2 or 3 curveballs….maybe more….depending on your own personal threshold…. but you start dropping the balls…and believe me…there is no’one worse than someone prone to depression for critising themselves….the depressive tends to be self critical as opposed to criticising others….a ball is dropped and they blame themselves…another and another and they start becoming a kind of self fullfilling prophecy …none the less…they kind of keep going and keep going untill….CRASH
It feels like being hit over the head with a sledgehammer..you cant concentrate..unable to do even the most basic of tasks…and you SLEEEEEP ( or for some folk it is also accompanied with anxiety and then you CAN’T sleep)
In my case its the former ..the SLEEEEP lasts between 1 and 2 weeks and then its a process of slowly picking up again
My first ‘episode ‘ was following the birth of my eldest and the simultaneous loss of my Father to cancer almost 18 years ago
I was off work 6 months but recovered following counselling ( including coming to terms with my Mums battle with the condition) and some lifestyle adjustments…one being getting into ‘Yoga’
Thought I’d cracked it…but had another episode in 2011 following the fallout of my marriage breakup….this time I was off work 3 months
Then there was another the winter of 2014….off work 6 weeks
And now…off again…so thats 3 episodes ( 5 months) in 6 years…which is a bit worrying…I knew after my last episode a couple of years ago that it would be unlikely I would get to retirement age of 65 in my current line of work and had been considering moves and lifestyle changes…
I feel frustrated that have crashed again before fully making them…but RIGHT at this moment in time I can’t even think beyond tomorrow
It remains to be seen how long this particular episode lasts….the key is to be easy on yourself…just ‘be’ and gradually build it up…I was kind of getting there the end of last week….am feeling whacked again just now tho…
Thought I’d be ok about my Mum passing given we’ve been loosing her slowly over the past few years…..
Our lifestyles don’t allow us the time and space to heal sometimes do they?…..
Oh I dont know
Will NOT go down the ‘negative’ route tho
One thing I know from experience is if you find you’re surrounded by concrete….look for the cracks and any dandylions popping through
There WILL be a little yellow flower popping through at some point…..it might not be a rose or an orchid….but lovely none the less
John Lydon was an example of such yesterday….
Well they DO say laughter is the best medicine